Now that we have some sweet theme music, let’s get to it. For those just joining us, please firstly direct your attention to the previous post, as this one will make a whole lot more sense if you do.

The Truth

When telling the truth, you’re either playing offense or defense. Offense is when you are prepared to tell, you have a set plan of attack, a fair amount of the time this is when you are telling someone unprompted. Defense is when you can see a situation forming, and prepare for it in case it arises. Or worse, when an unanticipated, “How’s your dad holding up?” comes at you from out of nowhere. I call this getting ‘blindsided’.  When this happens, word-vomit tends to spew forth. Sometimes nonsense comes out – “He’s on getting fine”, sometimes the straight truth – “He’s on Hospice…yeeeaaahhh.”

A little over a month ago now, I went to the bank with Erica to do bank things. On the way, I realized I had not told the personal banker who had always helped my Dad over the years that my Dad had passed. So, I went on the Offensive and made a game plan if I saw her. After conducting my business with the teller, I was directed to a personal assistant that was not her, although I noticed her on the far end helping a client. At this point I referenced my internal flow chart (see previous post). I decided the short term impediments outweighed telling her: I was on a time constraint, she was with a client, the bank was busy and another personal banker was now waiting to help me. So I sat down and focused on my task at hand. Halfway through the matter, I was blindsided with a “Hey” from behind me and my friend. “How’s your Dad?” “Oh, he passed…back in May.”

What transpired afterwards, with the personal banker helping us watching in apprehension, will be discussed in The Uncomfortable portion, along with the varying reactions people will give you. Spoiler alert: the kind my Dad’s personal banker gave falls under The Joker category.

Pro Tip #5: No matter how well you plan, you will get blindsided. Accept this.

The Lies

Why lie? We’ve discussed this a good deal already, but it’s important to remember, especially for those who are on the receiving end of a lie. Various constraints such as time and energy, environmental situations, the relationship to the person, we know these. However, a large factor that was only touched last time is the teller’s internal state. A person may still be processing the terminal news or death, and may not be prepared to tell anyone. My boss told me of her friend, who was in a grocery store a day after her mom died, when an acquaintance bumped into her and asked how her mother was. The woman immediately replied “She’s fine” and kept on going. She was not ready to tell people the truth. It was nothing against the inquiring person. Now we can discuss the matter of whether her mother really is “fine” or not given her current state, and depending the woman is or is not lying about her mother, but I’d rather leave that for some other blog.

Don’t like lying? My friend Michael, if you remember him from the intro post, doesn’t lie to people, but also doesn’t tell the truth. What does this mean? While he wouldn’t lie to a person, he “wouldn’t leave myself open to tell the truth.” This technique has positives and negatives, and his story explains why.

When his Mom passed, he took a day off school but attended the next day, telling only a couple friends and his instructors. He had no intention of lying to anyone if a person asked why he had been absent, but since no one asked the news didn’t spread. The day progressed, and in the midst of a circle of people talking, a person laid a Your Mom Joke on Michael:

“My Mom just died.”

“Sure she did.”

“Yeah, she did.”

“Really?”

Does this instance sound familiar? This is the precedent for YMJ Comebacks situation #3. We will examine this person’s “Really?” comment a bit later, for now you can see where problems can arise. If it wasn’t for the YMJ though, Michael could have spent the day in peace, without questions he may not have been prepared for quite yet. Given the YMJ’s decrease in popularity, this is a sound option for those who have recently received a blow.

But for those okay with lying, let’s look at some examples! This is also handy for those of you who are not the progeny of a dead or dying parent. In the future you may catch a lie for what it is and make a mental note for your friend/coworker/relative/etc. The person may not be ready to tell you anything, and it may be nothing, a genuine statement not a lie, but you’ll increase your emotional IQ regardless.

“She’s retired!”

“They moved up North.”

“He’s taking it easy.”

“She’s hanging in there.”

“His pants fit again.”

As you can see, these are pretty innocuous at first glance. So don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t realize a person is hurting at first. What’s important is to try and give a person’s answer a real listen instead of treating it as a part of the greeting ritual.

Pro Tip #6: If a lie about a parent gets exposed, don’t panic. Your parent is dying/dead, do you really give a rat’s butt?

Pro Tip #6.1: If you do, tell the person why you did it and she will understand. Or lie again and say you told the person already. No decent human has the audacity to continually question a person whose parent is terminal/worm food/dust in the wind.

The Uncomfortable

When you tell people about a person’s, especially your parent’s, terminal state or expiration, they all react in different ways. This is because, largely, death and dying is a difficult subject for many. They are awkward with it, and because of that how they respond can be uncomfortable for both them and you.

That said, I’ve decided to pay further homage to the movie The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly by making this into a three blog post saga.

Next Time on Progeny of the Dead and Dying: Criers to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am stuck talking death with you.